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20. Getting “wubes”

I mean I’m a big eater to begin with. That’s not a beenou. It’s a problem. I don’t have a primo metabolism anymore. That about ended at 16. I’m more of an Oprah type now – a major weight fluctuator. If I don’t do cardio, I’m in big trouble. The love handles and double chin come out and then it all starts to unravel.

That’s why traveling does a number on my body. “Wubes” is short for W.U.B.A.R. (Washed Up Beyond Any Recognition), which at my age works on so many levels: athletic ability (used to be deece at basketball, beenou — now I can barely get off the ground), party stamina (I’m old — I can’t drink all day and stay up past midnight like I did at 21), scoring game (I can admit it), the list goes on. But when it comes to overall physical fitness, however, backpacking makes me wubes.

drinking-on-the-beach2I know I’m not alone here. Every fit girl I know that spent a year in Australia came back fat. No joke. One hundred percent of ‘em. “OMG the partying over there is insane. And like, after the bar, we like all go and eat kebabs, Tim Tams and these weird meat pies.” Yeah, no shit, I can tell. You’re looking wubes. Don’t worry, I know what it’s like.

Here are a few reasons backpacking makes you wubes:

1. Heavy boozing. After spending the entire day sightseeing, hiking, or even just lying on the beach, everybody is in the mood to party. You’re on vacation, so you might as well have a few drinks. Even when you plan on taking it easy, a few drinks quickly turn into a wild night. Soon enough, you’re absolutely lit. And you do this five nights a week. If you’re over 21 with an average or less metabolic rate, the calories quickly add up.

2. Unhealthy eating. It’s not just the drunken eats that get you. You’re in a foreign country, so you always have the excuse of trying some local fare. No matter that you’re on a 17-day bender and haven’t done any physical activity (apart from masturbating in the hostel shower) in months, you simply HAVE to try the deep-fried pork hocks. It’s a local delicacy, so fuck it — you’re on vacation.

3. Sleeping irregularly. You try sleeping on a bus or train that may or may not be going to the right town (which you can’t pronounce, in a language you don’t speak) next to people whose feet stink and who have no concept of Western personal space. And when you arrive at 3 a.m. you need to wake up, pick up your heavy backpack, find something (unhealthy) to eat and figure out why you’re in the wrong town. And when you are in the right town, you eventually lock into the sightseeing-by-day, partying-by-night routine anyway, so there goes the quality shut eye. Oh and you have to rush to the airport tomorrow at 4 a.m., too.

4. No exercise. I hate  guys that try to work out while backpacking. Some might argue that surfing should be considered an exception. I suck at surfing. Surfing is fucking difficult. I hate surfers too, mostly because they’re way cooler than me, jacked and get more vibes. They also wear white sunglasses, so whatever. I don’t really want to be the guy doing push-ups and sit-ups on the hostel floor, either. Others would insist that all the daytime sightseeing/hiking/biking/[insert eco-tourism activity here]/etc. is sufficient exercise, but it’s not when you’re eating fatty delicacies at every turn, boozing all night and sleeping irregularly.

5. Smoking and drug use. I don’t smoke while at home; I smoke when I travel. There’s so much idle time spent waiting in line for tickets, hostels, information, currency, food, vehicles… Smoking helps pass the time. And did I mention you’re boozing non-stop? From my experience, smoking accompanies boozing fairly well. As for drugs, well, suffice it to say that nobody is as experimental as when they’re backpacking.

6. Stress. See #3. Backpacking can be extremely stressful: constant travel, visa acquisition, sexual frustration, perpetual hangovers, tight budgets, douchebag/thief aversion, and unexpected catastrophes can get to a person. Whoever said the journey is more important than the destination clearly never went backpacking.

If you’re able to stay trim while on a hardcore backpacking trip, please share your secret. As long as it doesn’t require me to stay sober, watch my diet, go to bed early, or work out, I may give it a shot.

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8 Responses to “20. Getting “wubes””

  1. joem says:

    meat pies and tim tams!
    LOL @ western personal space.

    “I don’t really want to be the guy doing push-ups and sit-ups on the hostel floor, either.” u-huh, Al, i remember your day of exercise vividly at 11 Melon St. aka Valle Verde Sanez Family B&B Inn. “joem do you have dumbells?” and iansky teaching me the “spiderman” push-up. HAH!

    i guess my euro trip in 07 wasn’t really a backpacking trip. and not just because i dragged and carried a hardcase samsonite suitcase like a total fag to 7 cities in three weeks, but because i was with family. i was fed. and i hardly partied. did the sightseeing thing and it was very PG.

    i’ve yet to do the hostel thing, backpacking with the buddies. but i’m not quite sure if i’ll be able to handle it, dudio.

  2. Poon says:

    Tim Tams is all you, Joe! First time I ever ate them was at your house. Of course I did push-ups at your house, but never on a dingy hostel floor. NEVER. Haha, thanks for reading, bro!

  3. joem says:

    shout outs to you on twitter!

  4. Mox says:

    Sorry to call you out (again) Poon but I’ve seen you do push-ups on hostel floors and go for runs around the streets of Malaga. The line about jerking off in hostel showers is pretty hilar. Been there, done that.

  5. Poon says:

    Guilty. But I said, “I don’t really want to be the guy” (ahem)… anymore. Haha, OK I’ve done a few push ups on hostel floors. You got me, Mox. But like I said, it’s hard keeping this ol’ bod in check!

  6. ekimswish says:

    my push ups and crunchies in a hostel lasted one day.

  7. iansky says:

    Hahaha the infamous spiderman push up…I needed a way to sweat out the booze from our nightly galavanting at the Fort..keep up the good work cuz

  8. Alvey says:

    Oh the spiderman push-ups indeed. Havent done a det of those in a while. Jason Bourne starring Ianski. Opening scene: Ianski doing spiderman push-ups….
    Laughed my head off AL!!!!
    Love you guys

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